I was a contestant on an NPR game show.

Spoiler alert: I lost.

To be a contestant I had to take a quiz, with each section of the quiz focusing on a different...skill. I think it must have been my final essay (a limerick featuring a famous individual) that qualified me to try and rhyme trivia answers with the chorus of Sisqó's "Thong Song" on the radio:

There once was a young celeb dubbed K. Stew.
She was just caught with a woman…but we already knew.  
Vampires weren't the only ones who were on to her scent.
But now it's all out that this straight babe has a bent.  
Gay marriage is new, but shopping at Whole Foods is basically saying 'I do.' 

Remember that? So March 2014 of me. 

Anyway, I'm highly competitive, so I think it's safe to say that my slowness to ring in can only be attributed to my true love of the "Thong Song". How can I think of an answer that rhymes, when I just want him to keep going and get to the good part?

Watching this video as a discerning adult, I have a lot to say: 
1. What a great song! 

2. I really appreciate that Greyhound buses are finally given their due with a glamorous opening montage. I mean, has this ever been done before? I don't know why because the companion fare deal Greyhound offers is a great way to get all the babes you know to the beach on a budget and I like a music video with a eye on saving me a little cash.

3. There's a shot where the camera tracks off of mustard being squirted on a hot dog sort of in z-space (2:15) onto thonged girls dancing. Besides summertime condiments being underrepresented in the music video sphere, I appreciate the North by Northwest like train-through-a-tunnel symbolism. There's information in the shot that the song merely hints at. Let me see that thong. OK. But why? Why do you want to see it? What then? This shot tells us. Picnics on the beach! True Love! Baseball games! A partner with the ketchup to go with my mustard, you know?! Very nice.

4. The narrative opening features a kid essentially asking an age old question about the birds and the bees. Who knew that the subject of "The Thong Song" is a curious 10-year-old girl?!  The song starts because this little girl interrupts Sisqó's phone call, holding up a thong and asking, "What's this?"  And instead of some boring old dad talk about how red lace thongs are natural, this dad of the hour comes up with a pretty catchy song that pleasantly demands, "Let me see that thong." Instead of yelling at her or the careless Mom figure in the background strewing her dirty undergarments all about the house. I mean, can you imagine what 2000 would have been like if Sisqó would have  simply snatched that dirty thing from the girl with no explanation what so ever? My friends and I would have ONLY been listening to "Say My Name" with the top down on our Jeep instead of a healthy toggling between these two songs and, sorry Beyonce, that would have got boooooring*. 

In conclusion: Thanks Sisqó. What a nice guy. What a fun dad. And you're right! Kids are people too. Call me a romantic, but I too firmly believe that kids everywhere should be given a poppy summertime jam they can dance to in response to the hard hitting questions in life.

*Here are the spoken commandments in between tracks on Destiny Child's "The Writing's On the Wall" for you to write down on the front of your notebooks:

Thou Shall Not Hate.
Thou Shall Pay Bills.
Thou Shall Confess.
Thou Shall Not Bug.
Thou Shall Not Give Into Temptation.
Thou Shall Not Think You Got It Like That.
Thou Shall Not Leave Me Wondering.
Thou Shall Know When He’s Got To Go.
Thou Shall Move On To The Next.
Thou Shall Get Your Party On.
Thou Shall Say My Name.
Thou Shall Know She Can’t Love You.
If Thou Can Wait, Then Thou Shall Stay.
Thou Shall Cherish Life.

I really hope at least one person got these tattooed on their back on a stone tablet because unlike Moses', these seem doable even though there's more than ten to keep track of...but let's be honest, "Thou Shall Not Think You Got It Like That" can go because it's too open ended, and you know what happens with open ended religious stuff, for one, fur hats in the summer.